Two things can be true at the same time.
My parents were hurt by their parents. I was hurt by my parents.
I can have compassion for my parents. My experiences also matter.
My parents did the best they could with what they had. I was deeply impacted by their parenting and my parent wounds exist.
My parents didn’t give me what I needed. I am capable of giving my child what they need.
I have a healthy relationship with my mother. I have to reparent myself without her help.
Multiple things can be true. And if these truths conflict, it still doesn’t mean that they aren’t both true. My experience isn’t my parent’s experience. Being human is incredibly complex, and in that complexity we can at times find answers that we need. I know that my parents are whole, complicated human beings - and that their experiences absolutely shaped who they were as my parents. I hold loving space for the children that my parents once were, and I do grieve for them.
ID: A photo of Nickie and Juli from 1980. Nickie is smiling and sitting on Juli’s lap.
As a person who has experienced neglect and abuse throughout my life, I hold loving space for myself, as well - and in my grief for the harmed child inside me, I am choosing to heal. I choose to heal for myself, for my child, for my mother, and for my partner. I am breaking generations long cycles, and it is in no way easy. This work is messy and painful, and it at times impacts the ones who I love the most. I’ve come to a place of believing that this is ok. I cannot be perfect, and allowing myself the love and space that I need to heal in all of my imperfection is an element of my own healing. Holding my parents to a standard of accountability is another element of my healing. I’ve come to terms with knowing that my father isn’t ready to do his work to heal our wounds, and while I send him love, I also choose not to engage with him. This is another element of my healing.
What is reparenting?
Full disclosure: this is something that I’m still learning about. I am in no way a reparenting expert, and I honestly began this inner work before I knew there was a name for it. What I do know is that reparenting is simply giving yourself what you needed when you were young, but didn’t receive.
For me, these basic needs are:
Safety
Consistency
The ability to be cared for by others
Being prioritized
Setting boundaries
I want to give credit where credit is due. My partner has been instrumental in my reparenting process. Through his modeling of what a truly interdependent, respectful, honest and loving relationship is, I’ve been allowed to give myself the space to be able to unapologetically prioritize myself. Through our conflict, my parent wounds have been uncovered. Through our resolution of conflict, I’ve found my voice and have been able to ask for what I need. I know he can’t be the person to give me all of what I need, and this is instrumental in me finding my way to reparenting myself. We are in no way perfect, but nothing is. I choose to live in the complexity of our experience, and this has been indescribably freeing
I, too, am a parent. I’ve never been a faultless parent to my child - really, no-one is. I’ve spent the majority of my kid’s life trying desperately to protect them from trauma. And through being honest with myself about my own trauma, I’ve realized that I’m trying to protect the child inside of me by protecting my own child. I know it doesn’t necessarily work that way. Boundaries have been a steep learning curve for me. Boundaries are important, and I’m learning all the time about how to set them and to follow through with them - This is a work in progress. What I do know for sure is that my kid witnesses my vulnerability, and they know that if I fuck up I will take accountability for it. Through this process, we have built trust and mutual respect. And I know that my child is safer than I was because they know I will fight like hell for them no matter what.
ID: A photo of Nickie kissing a one year old Mae’s cheek. Mae looks into the camera smiling.
As I try to think of a way to close out this post, I ask myself why I was compelled to write this in the first place. The big catalyst was the recent reconnection with my middle school best friend who I had lost touch with almost thirty years ago. She just happened to relocate to Portland and end up in the same neighborhood that I’ve chosen to plant down roots into. Through us picking our friendship back up where it left off all those years ago, I’m getting answers to questions about myself that I’ve been asking for years. She knows parts of me that nobody else knows. She also knows parts of me that I had forgotten long ago. And through our reminiscing, a lot of my parent wounds have again been laid bare.
A common question we keep asking each other is, “where were our parents when we were doing x,y,and z?” We’ve been sharing with each other the ways that we’ve navigated this world as we’ve grown, and it compelled me to share some of it with you all. Because I know we’re not the only ones who are going through this.
Publishing this post is also a great opportunity for me to hold myself accountable to my reparenting work. By putting this out into the world it makes me want to continue digging deeper into this difficult work because I know that it isn’t just happening internally. Along with life in general, birthwork can activate those parent wounds as we witness folks beginning their parenting journeys.
What I’d like to know from you all is how you have been tending to your parent wounds. How do you reparent yourself? What needs do you have that are met through this work? How do you parent your children or interact with children in your community differently as a result of your own reparenting? Please drop all your wisdom, experience, and tips in the comments below.
Moving into 2023, I wish for us all to tap into deeper healing, wherever we may be needing it. And, I send myself and all of you love, care, and support. We all deserve to receive it.